Where Every Connection Becomes a Bond
You discovered the texts. Or maybe a credit card charge. Or worse—you heard it from someone else.
The betrayal stings, but the confusion cuts deeper: Why would he do this?
The truth is, men don’t cheat because of one reason—they cheat because of who they are. Not all cheaters are the same. Understanding the type of man you’re dealing with changes everything about how you process this pain and move forward.
Let’s identify the 7 archetypes.
1. The Emotionally Starved Man
This man feels invisible in his relationship.
He’s not getting genuine connection—no real conversations, no sense of being truly known. His partner treats him like a roommate, not a lover. The emotional distance has become unbearable.
When a woman comes along who listens, who asks about his day, who makes him feel seen, he doesn’t just fall into attraction. He falls into emotional relief.
A mistress isn’t always about sex. For this man, she’s the person who validates that he still matters. She restores a piece of his identity he thought was permanently lost.
The affair is his escape from invisibility.
2. The Validation Seeker
Deep down, he needs constant reassurance that he’s worthy.
Maybe his mother was critical. Maybe his father was cold. Whatever the origin, he craves admiration like oxygen. His wife respects him, but she doesn’t worship him anymore—and that’s not enough.
The mistress, especially early on, sees him through rose-colored glasses. She’s impressed by him. She desires him. She makes him feel like the man he’s always wanted to be.
With her, he’s not just “good enough”—he’s extraordinary.
This man collects mistresses the way others collect trophies. Each one temporarily fills the void, until the thrill fades and he needs validation from someone new.
3. The Sexually Unfulfilled Man
His body isn’t being touched the way he needs it to be.
Physical intimacy has either stopped completely or become so routine and perfunctory that it feels clinical. He feels desired by no one. That rejection—whether real or perceived—becomes a constant ache.
When sexual tension appears elsewhere, it’s magnetic. Suddenly, he feels wanted again. He feels alive in his own skin.
This man doesn’t necessarily want emotional connection with his mistress. He wants to feel that he can still arouse someone, that he’s still sexually viable, that desire is possible.
The affair is less about lust and more about reclaiming his sense of desirability.
4. The Control-Seeking Man
He needs to maintain power, and monogamy feels suffocating.
Maybe his mother controlled him. Maybe his wife makes major decisions without consulting him. Whatever the history, he experiences commitment as entrapment. Marriage means he’s given his whole self to one person, and that surrenders his autonomy.
A mistress represents freedom. She’s something his wife can’t control. She’s proof that he’s not owned.
This man might not even enjoy the affair itself—but he craves the secret. The double life is where his power lives. He’s the only one deciding what happens in his world.
When discovered, he feels cornered, not guilty.
5. The Thrill Seeker
Life with his wife feels predictable. Boring. Dead.
They’ve settled into patterns—same routines, same conversations, same everything. He feels like he’s slowly disappearing into mediocrity. The affair isn’t about the other woman specifically; it’s about the danger, the secrecy, the newness.
This man craves novelty like an addiction. The adrenaline rush of sneaking around, the excitement of a new conquest, the risk of getting caught—these sensations make him feel alive.
Without the dopamine hit of an affair, he’d be restless and resentful. The mistress is just the vehicle for his need for excitement. Switch her out, and nothing changes except the details.
He’s running from boredom, not toward love.
6. The Avoidant Commitment-Phobe
He never wanted to be fully married in the first place.
Deep down, the idea of total fidelity to one person terrifies him. Marriage felt like the “right next step,” so he took it—but something inside him has always rebelled against monogamy.
A mistress allows him to have the appearance of a committed life while maintaining his escape route. She’s his permission slip to not be entirely trapped.
When his wife asks for deeper emotional connection or more exclusivity, he pulls away. He’s already given more than he’s comfortable giving. The mistress represents the part of him that refuses to surrender his independence.
This man might love his wife, but he loves his freedom more.
7. The Compartmentalizer
He genuinely believes he can keep two separate worlds.
This man doesn’t see himself as a “cheater” because he compartmentalizes ruthlessly. His marriage is one box. His affair is another. They don’t connect in his mind—they exist in different universes.
He might be a good husband in many ways. He shows up, he provides, he can be caring. But he’s emotionally bifurcated. He’s convinced himself that what his wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her—that he’s actually doing her a favor by keeping this hidden.
He’s not seeking connection with the mistress or escape from his marriage. He’s simply incapable of resisting temptation when it appears, and he’s rationalized it thoroughly enough that guilt barely touches him.
This man often doesn’t feel remorse, even when discovered.
What This Means For You
None of these types excuse infidelity. None of them make this about you.
But identifying which type he is matters. It tells you whether this was about unmet needs in the relationship, unhealed trauma within him, or simply who he is as a person.
If he’s type 1, 2, or 3—there might be something to communicate, something to work with. If he’s type 4, 5, 6, or 7—this reflects his character, not your worth.
The real question isn’t “Why did he cheat?” It’s “What does his answer reveal about whether he’s capable of change?”
And more importantly: “Do I want to stay with someone who showed me he could betray me?”
That answer only belongs to you.
